Tag Archives: villains

#disappearingbears

28 Jan

TFAGODB

*POOF*

You know what really grinds my gears? Bowling piranhas. People seem to be so obsessed with it nowadays. It’s disappointing, a great embarrassment, to say the least. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Hey guys. I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though I didn’t vanish for an extended period of time.

Now, you’re probably wondering why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. The reason for this is simple: the Nostalgia Critic has done a review of Wicker Man, and I laughed pretty hard when I watched it.

Click links, for they are your only friends. That’s right, we aren’t friends. WE’RE BROTHERS! And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this.

Paragraphs are fun. So are segues. Bet you didn’t know how “segue” was spelled, did you? You probably thought it was spelled “Segway,” but that’s a company brand name and completely unrelated, just like the title of this post and the content within.

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety, you’re out of luck. You’re also out of your mind, because I would never write something so needlessly complex, so ridiculously comprehensive, and so ripe for tangential diversions that it would make Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter. Boy, two Bobby the Tongue references in one post and we still haven’t arrived at the point of this piece? Man, we are on a ROLL today!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting me not to repeat things for the sake of giving off powerful heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor, then prepare for the great reveal of all: “unfunny” is actually in Google’s dictionary. To blatantly steal the joke of another: “We did it, guys. We finally killed English.” By the way, I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. I won’t explain why, that’ll be something for later.

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph with the same phrase verbatim, HAH! Gotchya!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, I think I can start talking about things that matter. Firstly, we aren’t alone. Oh, big concept, huh? Well, we aren’t. I’m sorry, but if you’re still debating the chances of whether or not there is life beyond our solar system just as intelligent as us, stop. I don’t mean to enforce this viewpoint on you. You may reject it, and that’s fine, but know this: when we finally make contact, I’m going to spray you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “I told you so,” and it will be sweet justice, oh yes, sweet, crispy, bacony justice.

And yes, our worst fears have been realized: “balcony” is in the dictionary as well. I wonder who fell for that and actually clicked it without taking note of the fact that I used the word “balcony” the second time, not “bacony.” An interesting test in psychological behavior, indeed.

Ah, but you want to know what proof I have that we are not alone in the universe. Well, why don’t you come on down to Florida and we’ll have a discussion about that.

Okay, so for those who think that was the point of this piece, you’re still wrong. I just did that to weed out anyone who isn’t into aliens. Why? Because aliens are freakin’ awesome. Now, if you’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and you think there is none, you’re still wrong. Why? Because you are, and you are also correct, and you are also a woman of science. What’s that? You aren’t a zebra? What’s that? You’re sick of me beating around the bush?

Well then,

let’s

get

down

to

monster trucks.

I’ve never been to a rally, not one. I’m actually not into that stuff. Well, maybe I’d be into it if I’d seen one. But I haven’t, so I’m not. Just a bunch of big, giant, wheels, hot wheels. Remember Hot Wheels? I remember seeing the loops the cars were able to drive through in the commercials and thinking, “Golly, gosh, can mine do that, too?” Nope. You cars suck Dylan. That’s why you have to buy these ones. GET THEM NOW! I bought them. They couldn’t loop either. Damn snake oil salesmen, always ruining my day.

Okay, so for those who haven’t heard, movies have been shit lately. Pardon my French, but The Legend of Hercules was shit, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones was shit, American Hustle was overrated, Man of Steel was terrigood, Star Trek Into Darkness had an AWFUL ending, and I only saw two of those films. Can you guess which ones? Has my credibility been entirely destroyed yet? If your answer was no,

ROT.

Rotting flesh, burning, peeling away from their bodies after the bombs fell. Why did we do it to them? Are we really so cold, so cruel? One could say we prevented the deaths of many in doing what we did, was it worth the price? We opened Pandora’s Box, unleashed a monster that can never be shut away again. Why did we do that? Is the old saying really true? Will our curiosity be our undoing? Will our thirst to understand all, including Death itself, be our final end, our eternal Armageddon?

What will become of this material world twenty years from now?

Eh, enough of that stuff. Let’s talk about how everything begins where it ends instead. You see, the truth is that everything in the material world will rot away at some point, even movies. They may suck now, but they’ll be gone one day, so GET THEM NOW! Yes, even the ones recorded one VHS. What’s that? They have commercials in them? Don’t fast forward. Watch them. Yes, even the Hot Wheels ones. You’ll thank me later, when you and your friend Gary have something to reminisce about as you watch monsters trucks do flips over whole rows of bushes and zebras. What’s that, woman of science? You’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and yet you also think there is none? You’re still wrong, just as you are about aliens, and Florida, and whether or not we’re alone in the universe. Go stand on your bacony and look up at the stars. You’ll see them, and then sweet, crispy balcony justice will be delivered in the form of me spraying you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “Gotchya!” HAH! I can’t wait!

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph at some point, you’re right. What’s that? The last one should’ve ended a while ago? Where the fuck are you from, Reddit? I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. And if Reddit is pissed off at me for killing English, Reddit can go look up “unfunny” in the dictionary and discover for itself why breaking that whole thing into multiple paragraphs would’ve given off far too many heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor.

Man, we are on a ROLL today! Bobby the Tongue would be proud at the way I’m making Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter.  I mean, with this many needlessly complex, ridiculously comprehensive tangential diversions, you must be going out of your mind right about now. What’s that? You’re telling me the title of this post and the content herein are still unrelated? Well, if you’re still expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety at the end of all this, you might as well hop on a Segway and head on over to California. Segues are fun.

So are paragraphs. And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this, WE’RE BROTHERS! That’s right, we aren’t friends. Click links, for they are your only friends.

Your reaction to all of this is priceless. I’m laughing pretty hard while I watch it, the way I did when I saw the Nostalgia Critic’s Wicker Man review. At this point, you’re probably desperate to know why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. Well, in response to that, I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though you and I never met today.

Hey guys. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Honestly, this is all probably really disappointing for you, and, in that regard, a great embarrassment for me, to say the least. Ugh, you’ll all likely obsess over this failure of mine for weeks, they way you did over bowling piranhas. Speaking of which…

…you know what really grinds my gears? When people don’t just get to the fucking—.

*POOF*

TFAGODB

~D.

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My thoughts on James Cameron’s AVATAR

19 Dec

Okay, here’s the short review: Trumbo, you better move over ’cause here comes my new favorite movie of all time that just decimated every other movie in existence.

Here’s the longer one:

This movie is friggin’ unbelievable. Here’s a quick explanation of the plot (And I mean quick because there’s a lot more to it), without spoilers: AVATAR takes place on a planet called Pandora (anyone up for Borderlands?) that is home to a humanoid race of aliens known as the Na’Vi. The Na’Vi’s Hometree (the area in which the main tribe in the film lives) is sitting on top of a resource that’s extremely valuable on Earth. The humans (or “Sky People,” as referred to the Na’Vi) want to chop down the tree so they can get to the resources. There are two options: get the Na’Vi to peacefully find a new home so that the tree can be sliced down, or gas ’em out and hope they don’t fight back.

The Na'Vi's design is impressive.

Like I said, I won’t spoil anything, but what is done in order to make this possible is this: humans are placed in remote controlled Na’Vi like bodies that the humans believe are very convincing. And they are, to the audience at least. The Na’Vi already know these people are those who live amongst the Sky People, but not about the fake bodies and the fact that there are humans controlling them.

The bow is mightier than the gun....not really. XD No, but it is.

The acting in this movie is top notch. Sam Worthwington has done a great job playing the main character, Jake Sully. The rest of the cast is incredible as well, bringing these characters to life in ways you have to see to believe. I would like to commend Sigourney Weaver for her performance as Grace. You did a great job Weaver, and I’m proud to have watched you perform on opening day (well, night. But not the very first showing night, I mean the night that just passed a little while ago). Zoe Saldana also did a great job as Neytiri, making her seem more real than I’d expected.

Jake Sully is the main character. This is his avatar.

The set pieces are fantastic and the planet of Pandora is rich with life and very beautiful. There’s also lots of strange alien creatures that really catch the eyes of the audience and get a lot of “ohs” and “ahs” out of them. Oh, and one thing that should be take into account is this: this movie MUST be seen in IMAX friggin’ 3D. It’s the coolest thing in the world. 3D has basically been viewed as a sort of experimental thing up until the release of this movie. AVATAR’s 3D effects are the best 3D effects ever. Once again there were “ohs” and “ahs” that swept through the audience at the sight of these 3D images.

KABOOM!!!

Oh, and one more thing, this movie may look like it will be a long epic, and it is. But you know what? You’ll never be bored. The movie is always interesting you in what’s going on. The pace is fantastic, and it never wears down.

Piloting the gunship.

Everyone on Earth needs to go see AVATAR now. This movie is an instant classic and will never be forgotten, ever. But you must remember the rule above about 3D. YOU MUST!!!!

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My Top Five: Favorite Star Wars Villains

1 Oct
Number Five: Darth Nihilus- Those first moments when I heard Nihilus’ voice sent chills down my spine. This truly is a Sith. Nihilus’ motives are very unclear. No matter how many times I thought I knew after speaking with Visas Marr, it just didn’t seem to add up. And that’s why I liked him so much. As much as I’d like to add Darth Sion to the list as well, he just told too much about himself by the end and just basically gave himelf away. With Nihilus, I kind of knew what was going on, but not fully. I always felt that something was missing. And that is why Nihilus takes the Number Five spot on my list.

                                                                          Darth_Nihilus_Saber.jpg Darth Nihilus image by erbalt42

Number Four: Darth Sidious- I’ve always wanted to see how such a seemingly kind and noble man like Palpetine could turn into such a ruthless killing machine and sinister Dark Lord like the Emperor. Darth Sidious, his Sith alias, showed me this very thing. And boy did he scare the crap out of me. Every word that emitted from his lips was like a drop of poison. He truly is the evil I thought he was. The only thing that takes him down really is that for me, by Episode III, he seemed way too obvious. Why on Earth would he make his identity so easy to see? I mean, I get that the Force was clouded by the Dark Side, but really, you don’t need to be a genius to know that he’s evil. I mean, listen to his voice.

                                                                   

Number Three: Darth Maul- When I first went to see Episode I in theaters, I saw Maul fight Qui-Gon with a single blade. Great, seen it before. But when he came out with that double-bladed saber, I almost cried. It really was one of the coolest duels ever, that one. And not to mention the look of Maul. His face could give kids nightmares for weeks. Really. His eyes too, they’re just so scary. And finally, to think this guy had only like two or three lines (maybe four), and yet he still remains a very important Sith in the Star Wars lore now. He truly is a villain. Truly.
                                                  
Number Two: Darth Vader- Yeah, another Darth. But really, how can I not have Darth Vader on the list too? He is just one of the most iconic, if not the most iconic villain in cinema history. His voice is memorable by more than half Earth’s population (probably), nearly everybody in America knows who he is. He even had the entire Prequel Trilogy devoted to his origin. His armor, or “iron lung,” is one of the most popular looks for a villain, ever, and one of the most recognizable. He is also quite a great character. The idea of somebody commiting such a genecide of essentially an entire (hokey) religion out of pure love for one person is just villainous. And that’s why he steals the Number Two spot on my list.
                                                            

Now I know what you’re thinking, why isn’t Darth Vader Number One? I mean, who’s greater than Vader (hey, that kind of rhymes)? Well I’m glad you asked (if you did) because my Number One spot goes to somebody who at first you’ll think, “WHAT?!” but will soon understand.

NUMBER ONE: General Grievous (Micro Series)- In 2004 a micro series known as Star Wars: The Clone Wars (no, not the CG film) came out and it told the story between Episodes II and III in five minute episodes that had real impact on my view of Star Wars. They were bold, daring, and had great additional characters, and they also gave us another reason to love Mace Windu even more when he was alive (didn’t we have enough already?). Well, the last episode of the season was announced, and it was going to be ten minutes long! Ten minutes? What could be so great about this episode? Well, I’ll tell you what was so great: a miysterious droid/alien creature that KICKED MORE JEDI BUTT THAN CHUCK NORRIS ON STEROIDS!!!

In the episode, the wreckage of a Republic flagship is lying is the dust of a planet (can’t remember the name). A massive army of super battle droids are surruonding it, for there are eight Jedi still inside. Three of them are the very well known Ki Adi-Mundi, Aayla Secura, and Shaak Ti. The other four are Jedi Knights and one is a padawan. The padawan is scared poopless. Litterally he is yelling, “We are all going to die!” He’s nuts, the Knights (Aayla included) are trying to calm him down, while Shaak Ti and Ki notice a shadow pass the outside of the ship. When they tell the others of it, the padawan has a panic attack and runs out of the ship. Now, this is where I almost fell off the couch. As soon as the padawan set foot in the sunlight, a massive machine like creature landed on him and flattened him into the ground. Do you see? He didn’t jump down and charge at him, jump in front of him and stab him with his lightsabers. He SMASHED HIM INTO THE GROUND WITH HIS BARE FEET.

Afterward he jumped upward again, and the Jedi activated their sabers. They were spread out so they wouldn’t be killed all at once. Or so they thought. Grievous blasted through the rafters (top) of the ship and began hacking and slashing at the Jedi. He was fighting the last seven, all at the same time (and this was before he had four arms)! He knocked back a few of them and managed to corner one at one point, slaying him with ease. Six to go. He then took on two more of the Jedi, and this was where I learned of his great ego. He went to such braggish limits that he even held the sabers WITH HIS FEET and fought them like that. When he returned to his normal fighting stance he used his feet to pick up the two Knights, one being Aayla, and crushed one of their heads with his foot (not Aayla). HE CRUSHED HIS HEAD, IN A KIDS SHOW. He then threw both of them into the rafters. Four to go. Grievous then charged into the last four, sliced two of them up easily, and then took on the two masters.

Grievous then acomplished something defining. He kicked Shaak Ti so hard that when she slammed into the wall of the ship IT CAME DOWN ON TOP OF HER (still don’t know how she survived). After that he picked up her saber, with his foot, and had in his physical grasp three lightsabers! And as he leaped at Ki Adi-Mundi, the show cut to Yoda, he said something (can’t remember, something to do with the war not being over), and it ended. And after that I had tears of joy/awesomeness streaming down my eyes. Favorite fight scene in Star Wars.

Now, compare the Grievous I just described to the one in the film. THEY ARE EXACTLY OPPOSITE. I had no problem with Obi-Wan killing him in the movie, believe me I saw it coming. But the fact that he died easily, EASILY, is what ticks me off. And this time he had FOUR ARMS. It should have taken Obi-Wan crushing him into a ball with the Force and then slicing him to pieces, not three blaster bolts! He is also MUCH less intimidating in the movie, in every way. Voice, look, etc. Lastly, they told us about him. They did it! They made that one mistake that they could’ve solved by pulling a Darth Maul, but instead they pulled a Darth Sion and told us his whole story.

Well, I will always remeber the cartoon Grievous as the true Grievous. And that is my list of my favorite Star Wars villains. I hope you can find at least one choice to agree with.

                                                    

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Modster Madness !Double Feature! (Sep. 26, ’09)

26 Sep

Hey guys! Welcome to the second episode of Modster Madness. If you’ve seen the Zombie Master review, you know the drill: I tell you about a mod of a game, and if you should get it or not. Simple enough right? Well, today it’s a double feature, so let’s get going quick. It’s time to review:

                                                       

MINERVA is a single player Half-Life 2 mod that takes mod storytelling to the next level, engaging you in most of the stuff that is happening. Maybe not so much as Half-Life 2 itself did, but it dilivers more than you’d expect from a mod. The game begins on an island invaded by the Combine. You’re dropped there by a group that is attempting to investigate the island and find out what’s there. You’re directed by a tezt scroll in the upper left corner of the screen (at least I think it’s the upper left, I haven’t played MINERVA in awhile). It tells you to go to certain places on the island and complete certain tasks. The tasks were a bit hard to follow because it was only text and it went by a little too fast, causing me to have to reload earlier save files to learn what my next ojective was.

                                        

In the beginning, it feels like just anyother mod, walking across the surface of the island shooting Combine soldiers, then going inderground to fight zombies, then going up again to fight more Combine. But then, after some time the observer starts to talk a bit about your past. Basically you learn that you betrayed the humans and they’re using you to do their bidding in payment for his sins. Rough. Anyways, the plot definitely thickens as you learn more and more what your group really needs you for (or whether they need you at all). I startedtp actually feel for the character I was playing as, merely because the writing was so good, and towards the end the player will be fully immersed in the story. It’s gripping, it’s suspenseful, it’s really fun.

                                                  

MINERVA is not flawless though. As I said before, I had to reload save files to read text. I think I had to do it eight or more times. Nonetheless, this is a great mod and you’d be wise to play it ASAP. MINERVA: Metastasis, remember the name, because this mod has an awesome story, and really sinks in at the end (which is nowhere near anti-climactic).

And now, onto our second mod:

                                                    

Another single player mod, Riot Act takes place in a Combine prison that’s being attacked by an antlion horde. Your character, named Jamil, had his cell door left open. You escape, find a crowbar (of course) and an SMG/ammo supplying ally in the beginning. As you progress you will find more allies who you able to recruit as you start your riot. In the process you defeat an antlion guardian and gain control of the antlions, as you did in Half-Life 2.

                                      

According to your supplier, Alyx Vance and Gordan Freeman are the cause of the antlion attack. Don’t know how, but they are. That is not to say that it is a canon mod (though I like to think that it is). It’s merely a neat plot point they put in the story. Even though Riot Act is primarily an action packed adventure mod, it does have a plot twist in it that I won’t spoil for you. It isn’t major, but let’s just say I grew attached to my little party after awhile.

Riot Act is about as short as Portal, but definitely long for a mod. There were moments when I thought it was over when it had merely begun. It provides loads of action sequences that make you feel like a super hero. Oh, and the last battle (which I will also not spoil for you) is a really intense and surprising moment. Overall, you should play Riot Act. You can get it from Steam any time you want for free. It’s fun, it’s exhilarating, hell, it’s a friggin’ riot act!

                                          ra_c1l20004.jpg image by snackeater9007

And that concludes the double feature for this evening. This is Liak Lienad, signing off.

WARNING: You must own Half-Life 2 to get these mods.

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Better than the best…cartoon….ever….

26 Sep

This is actually a musical cartoon rather than a kickass fight. But it’s an awesome musical, in such a way that I like it better than the kickass fight. Check it out here. The cartoon is called Tarboy.

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/509092

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My thoughts on Shane Acker’s 9

23 Sep

I went to see 9 feeling a bit uneasy about it. I knew it would be good, but how good was the question. I guess as the theater drew closer, I just felt less and less easy about it. In all honesty though, it was a nice experience. The first thing that I noticed was how beautiful the movie was. I mean, this movie was GORGEOUS. It felt sort of like a dark Pixar movie, with the grey, Fallout 3 visuals and the attention to detail in the environment. There’s little things hidden around every corner in the background. It really is a great looking movie. But how about I give you my analysis of the real deal, the guts of the film. The stuff that really matters.

                                      

The story of 9 is definitely a nice story. It’s very easy to understand, and could be explained to a 7 year old. However, there’s a reason they say in the TV spots that 9, “isn’t your little brother’s animated film.” 9 is a dark story, and goes somewhere most post-apocolyptic films never dare to go: the actual death of humanity. Many post-apoc’ films have destroyed the planet, or a large portion of it, but never its inhabitants. There was always at least some sign of human life in existence. Even if it’s only one human, or all the humans are somewhere off-planet, there is humans. The first thing you might notice about 9 is that it has guts though and decides, “Hey, you like humanity? Haha! Well, sucks for you then, ’cause it’s gone.”

The story is this: The U.S. used a scientist to build them a special machine that could build other machines in its own image, quickly at that. It was meant to be used as a peacekeeper, but the government decided to change that by using the machines to conquer other countries. When the scientist disagreed and tried to stop the machine from building more of these robotic soldiers, the government captured him, and the creator machine became angry, turning it’s robots against the humans. The entire human race was wiped out, but just before the end, the scientist managed to make a machine with a power unlike any other, and gave nine ragdolls the spark of life. They were created to somehow, someway, protect the future of Earth.

I won’t say too much else (and if I was wrong about the U.S. being the ones, my bad, I kind of forgot that part), but I will say that the end was pretty anti-climactic. It really felt like the build-up toward the real good part movie, but because it was so short it just messed that part up. However, I think 9 was more about the journey than reaching the X that marked the spot.

                                          

The characters of 9 (named after the numbers 1 through 9) are kind of dull in all honesty. Well, it’s not that I didn’t like them, it’s just they had little to no time to develope. A few felt fake and bland, like 8. I never felt him as a character, just as a bully who had no buisness being in the film. However, I will see that what 9 lacked in characters (for me anyway) they made up for in action and even suspense. I was scared for the characters because in all honesty, I didn’t think anyone was safe. It felt like at any moment someone would be killed. I don’t want to spoil anything, but there were quite a few twists and turns in this movie.

The action in 9 was great. Although I think the theater I was in was playing the sound a bit low in volume. I think I’ve watched my TV at louder volumes than that movie. Ah well, the scenes themselves were great. 7, the female badass character in the film, did quite a few great tricks with her weapons, and fought some pretty nasty creatures and the devices the heroes used to fight the machines were very creative and cool. I also enjoyed the creatures themselves. The monsters the nine heroes fought were some pretty nasty creatures.

Overall, 9 was an enjoyable experience. Whether you enjoy it for its stunning visuals, its awesome action, or its simplistic story, it doesn’t matter. You will most likely enjoy it. And if you don’t, well that’s fine too. We’re all entitled to our own opinion, aren’t we?

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