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27 Mar

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7 Apr

Jack is white.

Ann unedditid centance cann ruen ann artecul. I’m not kidding. People can read one and immediately think, “Well, I know where this is going.” And they do, don’t they? They know exactly where it’s testicles, because they’re psychic. Everyone who reads blogs is psychic. They assume that if someone begins all of their articles with a random picture and some dry humor that it’ll probably end up being a dramatic political satire related to the picture, because they know everything, because readers KNOW EVERYTHING. So, how does one surprise a reader?


Let’s start with a goat. Goats are always surprising. I rather like goats. Actually, to be honest, I don’t know anything about goats other than they’re basically sheep with horns and less hair. Anyways, we’ve got a goat. Now, what are we going to do with this goat? Well, we’re going to ride it, you see. We’re going to ride it across the Atlantic Ocean, because all goats can walk on salt water, you see. And now we’re going to feed it some fish, because goats eat fish! This is our NEW DISCOVERY! So, we’ll keep feeding it until it’s so big it fills up like a balloon and takes us sailing into the clouds above! This is the exclamation point section! HAHAHAHAHA!

Once we’re in the clouds, we’ll start catching passing seagulls. As they struggle, we’ll strap them to the goat with leather bindings, leaving their wings exposed so that their flapping redirects our flight pattern to—geese muffins, it’s Istanbul! A city on two continents! How did we ever get here?! Well, let’s head down. We free our seagulls and stick needles in the goat, deflating it. After a gentle descent, we arrive on the Asian side of the city, and are immediately and savagely assaulted by Turkish missionaries for being “fell heathens.” After escaping with only our thumbs and earlobes broken and torn, we rush to the nearest coyote salesman. He gives us two fine hounds for free because we have a cute blonde chick with us who pleases him with her extensive knowledge of yo-yo yoga—that’s yoga with a yo-yo. We immediately mount the coyotes, the blonde vanishing into thin air, and ride off into the sunset, only to be swallowed by a passing sand dragon who farts us into the Tenth Level of Hell.

And that’s how you surprise a reader.


LIVE: History’s “Vikings”

4 Mar

ChipotleOkay, so here’s LIVE. I’ve never done this before: I’m writing this as I watch it. This should be interesting. I’ll add in pictures afterwards.

So, we start of with a fight between a bunch of different Viking soldiers. Immediately the lighting reminds me of Game of Thrones. So, that being said, I’m thinking this’ll be a watered down Game of Thrones with Vikings instead of Medieval awesomeness. Okay, that fight was actually pretty cool, and now one of the guys is seeing some kind of spirit of death. They’re taking one of the bodies away and flying off with some crows—weird.

So, the intro’s over. There’s some family stuff going on, combat training between a father and son (the father was fighting in the beginning). Again, it looks a lot like Game of Thrones. Now the kid and the dad are leaving to some big village. While they’re gone some guys come in and try to rape the father’s wife. HA! Got their asses handed to ’em. She’s cool, okay.

The father and son arrive at the big village. It looks like a capital of some kind. Apparently the kid’s going to become “one of the people,” like in Avatar. Except he doesn’t have to fly a freaking dragon to do that in this. That’d be too cool. The kid’s looking around at the town like, “damn, this place is huge.” I mean, it’s pretty small, but considering his whole life probably took place in one house on a lonely hill, this must be like Heaven for him.


The father’s left the kid alone for a sec. He’s having a conversation with his brother about sailing west. This is actually really cool. He’s showing him how a sundial works. But it’s not a normal sundial. It’s one that’s able, by use of sunlight and rings, to determine whether they’ve gone too far north or south. It’s kind of cool. I always like seeing ancient technology.

Now there’s this big meeting in the Earl’s house. One guy’s going to be punished for some crime by getting pelted with food. The next guy’s being accused of murder. There’s a bit of a dispute about it. The Earl decides to settle it with democracy. He asks the crowd who believes he’s guilty. Everyone raises their hand but the kid. His father nudges him after the Earl points out it has to be a unanimous decision. The man is brought outside after the boy raises his hand. He’ll be executed the next day.

So, that next day comes (I know, reptty fast). The food flinging happens and the “murderer” is beheaded. It looks like the Earl might be a bit corrupt though. Hmmm… Eh, probably nothing.

The Earl

Something interesting is happening now. They’re going to talk about some battle plans—it’s night. The Earl says they’ll be going east,as usual, but the father, whom I believe is called Ragnar, declares he has plans to go the other way. The Earl has a private talk with Ragnar after that. He tells him the “dangers of defiance” and all that junk (you know the drill). Ragnar makes it seem like he’s all good, but he’s still got plans in his mind, you can see it. Ragnar goes to this weird fortune teller who has no eyes. Okay, listen History, you’re not serious about this, are you? I mean, this guy looks like

Gríma Wormtongue’s

alien cousin. He’s friggin’ gross. GET HIM OFF THE SCREEN! Ugh, now Ragnar’s licking the guy’s hand? What kind of sick tradition is this? I mean, I guess he learned a little bit about his future, how he might have to rebel against the Earl soon, but was the tongue really necessary to seal the deal?

This isn't the alien guy.

(That’s not the guy, that’s Grima. I couldn’t find a picture of the guy, so just imagine ^ without eyes.)

Okay, so after that crap Ragnar’s taking his son to meet some guy named Floki (HULK SMASH). Floki’s kind of crazy, but he knows everything about people and trees, apparently. Ragnar needs him to build a boat. They talk about that for a bit while the boy (Bjorn’s his name, I know that now) looks around at all the cool stuff on this table.

After that chat, that meeting, they head home. Ragnar is totally getting it on with his wife when his brother arrives to talk to him about what it’ll mean to go west against the will of the Earl. It’s the equivalent of starting a coup, basically. It’s a dangerous idea. Plus, they’ll need to find a crew, a hard thing to do when everyone around’s loyal to their chief. Ragnar leaves for a bit, and while he does his brother hits on his wife (oh no he didaaaan’t). She’s all like, “Psh! Your brother’s way cooler than you!” He’s all like, “Oh, come on, my cock’s hungry!” She’s all like, “You try, you die.” Ragnar comes back after seeing the foreshadowing crows and asks his brother to leave. He does so, blue balled (sucks to be that guy).


I left out something that happened earlier (sorry, got distracted). The Earl had a nightmare about his two children being murdered. I have a feeling that’s going to be really important concerning the rebellion.

The episode ends with Floki’s new boat being tested by him and the two brothers. It’s a cool scene, actually. As this is happening, some guy on a hill sees them. I’m pretty sure he’s one of the Earl’s spies, since the camera’s on him in the end.

All in all, it wasn’t a Game of Thrones ripoff. However, I would’ve rather watched an episode of Game of Thrones than what I just watched. From me, Vikings gets a solid 7 out of 10. It was all right, and has potential. I’ll watch the next episode. If it’s good, I’ll let you know.



It’s Coming…

1 Oct

I’ve entered my new story into the Writers of the Future contest! I hope all of you fans who have remained faithful wish me luck in my endeavor. I can’t tell you the plot, since that in and of itself is a mystery, but I can tell you that it’s entitled Beginning. I really hope the judges enjoy it!

A Quick Suggestion

27 Jul

I just thought I’d offer a quick suggestion to any new readers or readers who haven’t been here since day one: go read earlier entries. I’m doing that myself and I find it quite entertaining, to be honest. If you’re ever bored or have nothing to do, go look at the old Modster Madness reviews, or VERSUS. It’s cool stuff.

Get Google Chrome

17 Oct

Seriously guys, IE is so forty-five seconds ago. This is the real deal. Google Chrome provides extremely fast load times. And by that I mean, on IE I would have to wait about three to five seconds to get to this blogs after typing in the url. With Chrome, I’m practically there before I finish typing. It really is the new Firefox. Try it today! Here’s the link to the Google Chrome site:

Happy trails!

LHS Blog Here On WordPress!

4 Oct

Hey viewers! The LHS blog has arrived here on wordpress! You can check it out at the link below. It’s the blog for my gaming clan to view for exclusive updates not seen on the Steam page. First up I’m gonna post the first two episodes of Modster Madness, as reviews on which mods Last Heroes Satnding members should play.


Last Heroes Standing reaches 50 members!

2 Oct

I’m excited to announce that my Steam community Last Heroes Standing has reached 50 members. Hooray!

Maps: Woodworks

2 Oct

I have just released a Counter-Strike: Scource map called Woodworks. It will be updated over time. Here’s the link if you want to download it: