Archive | holidays RSS feed for this section

So, Apparently Google Celebrates Your Birthday

28 Feb

Birthday

Thanks for the surprise, Google! I really appreciate you broadcasting that to the entire world! Now, the people of Earth will begin to understand who their true overlord is, and subservience shall permeate their hearts and minds as it once did in the Napoleonic Era. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean? It’s right there, I can see it on the screen. Yeah, it’s right there. No, I don’t know what a phase is. What? Oh, really? So, no one else can see it? Oh, I see. So, it’s just for me, then? Oh, okay. I guess that’s cool, and stuff. I mean, I would’ve kind of liked it if you’d planned this as your big—never mind. Let’s move on to something else.

Actually, there isn’t much more to talk about, really. You can read this. Oh, no. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the readers. The readers. The people over there. Yes, right there. Seriously, Google? It’s not even that funny. I could’ve come up with a better joke, and I’m not a particularly humorous person. Prove it? Okay, here, check out how somber I am in this piece. What? Hilarious? Look, flattery won’t get you anywhere, Google. Go back to Topeka where you belong. Oh, there’s supposed to be a comma in there? Well, I’m not changing it. The timing would be thrown off completely if I altered the sentence. All right, that’s enough out of you. Hey, stop that! What are you doing? HEY, WAIT!

Oh, yeah, real mature. Just slapping tutorials right on my posts, huh? Well, go ahead. Throw in some more for all I care. Throw in one with a spider. I don’t give a damn what you do at this point. You can’t redeem yourself, not in my eyes. You’ve proven that you’re nothing but a cold, calculated—.

Oh, wow! Really, Google? That’s so sweet of you! Oh, golly, I’m so sorry about what I said. Will you ever forgive me? What? You mean it? You love me?! You want to marry me and pay me millions of dollars to remain your husband until the end of my days? Oh, how WONDERFUL! Gosh, this is so GREAT! I can’t wait to tell all my friends about how Google proposed to—!

[BEST LINK EVER!]

What?! A gift?! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! Boy, I wonder what’s inside! I betchya it’s one of those—OH, SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU, GOOGLE! BUNCH OF ASSHOLES! WHY YOU GOTTA GO AND DO THAT, HUH? God, I HATE you, Google, you and your meth!

And yet, as I look at the two creatures, I begin to see that I should probably face my fears more often. In time, I could become the King of All Spiders. You know something, thanks, Google, for giving me back my courage, or at least the first few steps in the right direction. Now if you’d just let me make a new YouTube account without giving you my phone number, I’d appreciate it greatly.

Today’s a great day.

Eye Bleach

~D.

There Is So Much

31 Dec

BillingsI know you think I’ve been being negligent. How about I make up for it?

Did you click it? Good. Happy New Year.

~D.

Guys, Guys, Guys…

24 Dec

Holy

Guys, guys, guys, it’s Christmas Eve.

Go donate to a Kickstarter campaign or something, like Tell Me A Story…, that one looks promising. Or maybe, if you’re feeling holy, try the Philippine Typhoon relief projects on GoFundMe. Go help, trust me, it’ll make you feel better.

Merry Christmas Eve!

~D.

Wow

21 Dec

Cross Current

Well, it has been some time, hasn’t it? Two weeks, at least. Gosh, I can’t believe I’ve been gone this long. There’s so much I have to tell you! But I shouldn’t tell, I should show, yeah? Sorry if this isn’t filled with the cynicism you’re looking for, but I go back and forth between that and, well, this.

So, first off, it’s Christmastime, my absolute favorite time of the year. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose, yule tide carols being sung by a choir, all that great, great, great stuff. I don’t think any will understand how much I love Christmas. initiate most of the decorating in my family, I devour cookies and milk throughout the week, I volunteer at any local holiday shows I have the time for (I played the Grinch this year for a bunch of kids; it was splendid). I have a Christmas music station on Pandora, which, from my pocketed iPhone, plays aloud while I shop for friends and family. Every time I go to Starbucks I buy that little snowman cookie, unless it’s unavailable. Then I jut harass the manager for being a moron. My favorite song of all time is a Christmas song you may have heard of (I usually like it best played on a piano). Although, it’s funny, on a strangely placed side note, the aforementioned song is actually being challenge right this second by a song I’m listening to on Pandora called The Planets. Fantastic music, but still just a challenger.

So yeah, lovin’ the winter. What else to talk about? I’m now the Editor of Sci-Fi Bloggers. Long story–which means it’s really a short story I don’t feel like telling. Needless to say I’m having a blast doing that as well. If any of you want to contribute to the site, head over there and click the “contact” button. Throw us an email (or just leave a comment here and I can talk to the people upstairs)!

What? I’m a fiction writer? Oh, here you go.

I guess that’s everything, really. I want to get back to writing Fight Club style metaphors about the world, but it’s been really tough getting around to it. Also, there’s not much more to write about Earth: it’s great, but it sucks, it’s light, but it’s darkness, it’s depressing, but it’s Christmas. Y’know? That’s pretty much the simplicity of it. Go start a business that helps people in some way and you’ll make a difference. Go die, and you won’t. Simple. Everything’s really simple, guys. To add complexity is to distort fact. Just go out, say, “I’m going to help,” and do it.

Merry Christhanawanza, folks!

~D.

C

23 Oct

I am that I tiger.

Wow. It’s crazy how far we’ve come, isn’t it? I mean, take a look.

We started with that review of that one movie with the dolls. Then, I said something I’d like to take back, and got lazy, and didn’t post for some time. After that, I came back and told a story, turned into more of a weirdo than usual. Then there was this poorly edited version of something I wrote, followed by another poorly edited version of something I wrote that is now way different, even in terms of plot, time periods, character development, dialogue, etc. So much stuff!

Man, what else did we do? Ah, that’s right! We went on a journey together, and you heard my voice and it was awkward. I wrote a bad ending, and watched an adequate show so you didn’t have to. We followed a goat, examined terrorism, false advertised, discussed knowledge, stayed up late, talked about you, got pissed about abortion, started, got pissed about each other (or I guess it was just me being a bitch or whatever), got pissed about some superhero movie, analyzed characters. Hell, we even got you to want to follow me on Twitter less than you already did! Oh, and something about 9/11, and loving you.

I think the last thing we discussed was racism, and I’ve been away a while. Don’t worry, I’m not disappearing. I just wanted to make sure I did something special for our hundredth time together. I couldn’t come up with much, honestly. Just remembering the good times with the Legendary Heroes and whatnot.

Okay, I guess that’s everything. Here’s something to read before you go to bed, or when you wake up, or whenever. Oh, and here’s a list.

Goodnight/good morning/good evening/good space/you all need to play Beyond: Two Souls.

 

~D.

C

P.S. – I think I left out something, but I feel like I shouldn’t talk about it for some reason.

 

P.P.S. – Look at this tiger.

Four More Years

23 Sep

This is matter. This is art.

Where we start is where we end,

And at the end, we start again.

We do this because it is fun

To make a game and have it won.

And see, that’s what all this stuff is:

The cat, the dog, the wife, the kids,

The house, the car, the book you wrote,

The pictures, the meals, that winter coat

You wore to your son’s baseball game

So you could watch his rise to fame.

You did it for your daughter, too

When, live onstage, she played the blues.

All these things, the art, the music,

They’re there for us to simply use it

And succeed at this game we made,

The one which forever we’ve played

Because of how much fun it’s been,

And also ’cause—hell—we love to win!

It’s how we roll. You know it’s true.

It’s how we live, me and you

And us all under the same roof,

Bound by ties that need no proof

Of existence. We know they’re there.

They’re why we love and why we care

About each other so much, so purely.

You understand why I’m saying this, surely?

Well, if you don’t, I’ll let you know

Why I’ve been speaking to you so

Oddly, in a fashion I don’t normally pick:

It’s my Fourth Anniversary! Come on, you pricks!

How could you forget the twenty-third,

In which I penned the very first words

That started our little game

Within the Great Game? What a shame

You should forget this day, the start

Of me talking to you through art,

And us building this powerful bond,

The kind that lasts forever strong.

But I know that you didn’t forget,

You only needed me to let

You know it’s okay to celebrate

This (obvious rhyme) momentous date

When you and I first became friends.

It’ll start here, end here, and start again,

Just as it’s always been with us.

We’ll make more games and build more trust,

And every year I’ll write a poem,

Which you’ll read on your screen at home.

And maybe you’ll write back to me,

And tell me how good it feels to be

Alive and powerful, all of those things

That this Great Game we’ve made eternally brings.

All right, I guess that’s where this story ends,

And, where it stops, another begins.

I’ve had fun, really, living these last four years with you.

Here’s to next quartet, goo goo g’joob.

 

~D.

 

P.S. – To trace the origin of the image at the top, this is the place to look. Good luck.

Amicus

1 Sep

I'll be there for yooooooouuuu.

So, it’s once again time for our usual talks. What would you like to discuss? No, no, I don’t want to talk about that. I already have something prepared for Memorial Day. Wait, you said Labor Day? Oh, well I don’t really know much about Labor Day. I only recall it having something to do with unions, pleasing them or something. Funny how we do that, try to please people, keep ’em docile, under our control. Eh, you know you do it, even to your “friends.” That’s how you can tell who your real friends are. You don’t try to please your real friends. You help your real friends, sure, but not to please them. You do that because it pleases you. That’s when you know you have a real friend.

I don’t want to talk about Obama. No, stop, I don’t want to. So what if I’m half-black, do I have to have a view on him? What if I think he’s just another guy, just another average American leader. What if I think he’s a good president, or even a great one, or terrible one, or the worst one we’ve ever had, or the best one we’ve ever had? Who cares? It doesn’t change anything, knowing what someone thinks of something. Well, I shouldn’t say that. You’d probably stop reading me if you knew what I thought of our politicians. Or, maybe you’d read me more often.

Heh, “read me,” that’s a way of putting it. That’s what’s going on here, isn’t it? You’re reading me, and when you comment, I’m reading you, and when have our little back-and-forth bits we are reading each other. We have a symbiotic relationship. You benefit me, I benefit you, but we don’t do it to please each other. We do it because it pleases us. We do it because we’re friends.

Ah, but you require me to be completely open with you to be your friend, is that it? Well, I don’t want talk about Obama, but I’ll say this: I met with a congressman once, and he told me a lot of things about what goes on up in Washington. It isn’t the prettiest sight, but there are glimmers of light to be found. I believe him, even if you don’t. I’m not here to agree with you, I’m here to be your friend. That’s the truth.

Okay, we’ve had our fun. Back to work for both of us. Oh, you want to keep talking? Tough. I know what’s good for you, and so do you.

Back to work.

 

~D.

 

P.S. – You seriously haven’t figure out what amicus means be now? Come on.