So, Apparently Google Celebrates Your Birthday

28 Feb

Birthday

Thanks for the surprise, Google! I really appreciate you broadcasting that to the entire world! Now, the people of Earth will begin to understand who their true overlord is, and subservience shall permeate their hearts and minds as it once did in the Napoleonic Era. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean? It’s right there, I can see it on the screen. Yeah, it’s right there. No, I don’t know what a phase is. What? Oh, really? So, no one else can see it? Oh, I see. So, it’s just for me, then? Oh, okay. I guess that’s cool, and stuff. I mean, I would’ve kind of liked it if you’d planned this as your big—never mind. Let’s move on to something else.

Actually, there isn’t much more to talk about, really. You can read this. Oh, no. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the readers. The readers. The people over there. Yes, right there. Seriously, Google? It’s not even that funny. I could’ve come up with a better joke, and I’m not a particularly humorous person. Prove it? Okay, here, check out how somber I am in this piece. What? Hilarious? Look, flattery won’t get you anywhere, Google. Go back to Topeka where you belong. Oh, there’s supposed to be a comma in there? Well, I’m not changing it. The timing would be thrown off completely if I altered the sentence. All right, that’s enough out of you. Hey, stop that! What are you doing? HEY, WAIT!

Oh, yeah, real mature. Just slapping tutorials right on my posts, huh? Well, go ahead. Throw in some more for all I care. Throw in one with a spider. I don’t give a damn what you do at this point. You can’t redeem yourself, not in my eyes. You’ve proven that you’re nothing but a cold, calculated—.

Oh, wow! Really, Google? That’s so sweet of you! Oh, golly, I’m so sorry about what I said. Will you ever forgive me? What? You mean it? You love me?! You want to marry me and pay me millions of dollars to remain your husband until the end of my days? Oh, how WONDERFUL! Gosh, this is so GREAT! I can’t wait to tell all my friends about how Google proposed to—!

[BEST LINK EVER!]

What?! A gift?! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! Boy, I wonder what’s inside! I betchya it’s one of those—OH, SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU, GOOGLE! BUNCH OF ASSHOLES! WHY YOU GOTTA GO AND DO THAT, HUH? God, I HATE you, Google, you and your meth!

And yet, as I look at the two creatures, I begin to see that I should probably face my fears more often. In time, I could become the King of All Spiders. You know something, thanks, Google, for giving me back my courage, or at least the first few steps in the right direction. Now if you’d just let me make a new YouTube account without giving you my phone number, I’d appreciate it greatly.

Today’s a great day.

Eye Bleach

~D.

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