Tag Archives: review

#disappearingbears

28 Jan

TFAGODB

*POOF*

You know what really grinds my gears? Bowling piranhas. People seem to be so obsessed with it nowadays. It’s disappointing, a great embarrassment, to say the least. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Hey guys. I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though I didn’t vanish for an extended period of time.

Now, you’re probably wondering why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. The reason for this is simple: the Nostalgia Critic has done a review of Wicker Man, and I laughed pretty hard when I watched it.

Click links, for they are your only friends. That’s right, we aren’t friends. WE’RE BROTHERS! And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this.

Paragraphs are fun. So are segues. Bet you didn’t know how “segue” was spelled, did you? You probably thought it was spelled “Segway,” but that’s a company brand name and completely unrelated, just like the title of this post and the content within.

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety, you’re out of luck. You’re also out of your mind, because I would never write something so needlessly complex, so ridiculously comprehensive, and so ripe for tangential diversions that it would make Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter. Boy, two Bobby the Tongue references in one post and we still haven’t arrived at the point of this piece? Man, we are on a ROLL today!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting me not to repeat things for the sake of giving off powerful heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor, then prepare for the great reveal of all: “unfunny” is actually in Google’s dictionary. To blatantly steal the joke of another: “We did it, guys. We finally killed English.” By the way, I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. I won’t explain why, that’ll be something for later.

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph with the same phrase verbatim, HAH! Gotchya!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, I think I can start talking about things that matter. Firstly, we aren’t alone. Oh, big concept, huh? Well, we aren’t. I’m sorry, but if you’re still debating the chances of whether or not there is life beyond our solar system just as intelligent as us, stop. I don’t mean to enforce this viewpoint on you. You may reject it, and that’s fine, but know this: when we finally make contact, I’m going to spray you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “I told you so,” and it will be sweet justice, oh yes, sweet, crispy, bacony justice.

And yes, our worst fears have been realized: “balcony” is in the dictionary as well. I wonder who fell for that and actually clicked it without taking note of the fact that I used the word “balcony” the second time, not “bacony.” An interesting test in psychological behavior, indeed.

Ah, but you want to know what proof I have that we are not alone in the universe. Well, why don’t you come on down to Florida and we’ll have a discussion about that.

Okay, so for those who think that was the point of this piece, you’re still wrong. I just did that to weed out anyone who isn’t into aliens. Why? Because aliens are freakin’ awesome. Now, if you’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and you think there is none, you’re still wrong. Why? Because you are, and you are also correct, and you are also a woman of science. What’s that? You aren’t a zebra? What’s that? You’re sick of me beating around the bush?

Well then,

let’s

get

down

to

monster trucks.

I’ve never been to a rally, not one. I’m actually not into that stuff. Well, maybe I’d be into it if I’d seen one. But I haven’t, so I’m not. Just a bunch of big, giant, wheels, hot wheels. Remember Hot Wheels? I remember seeing the loops the cars were able to drive through in the commercials and thinking, “Golly, gosh, can mine do that, too?” Nope. You cars suck Dylan. That’s why you have to buy these ones. GET THEM NOW! I bought them. They couldn’t loop either. Damn snake oil salesmen, always ruining my day.

Okay, so for those who haven’t heard, movies have been shit lately. Pardon my French, but The Legend of Hercules was shit, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones was shit, American Hustle was overrated, Man of Steel was terrigood, Star Trek Into Darkness had an AWFUL ending, and I only saw two of those films. Can you guess which ones? Has my credibility been entirely destroyed yet? If your answer was no,

ROT.

Rotting flesh, burning, peeling away from their bodies after the bombs fell. Why did we do it to them? Are we really so cold, so cruel? One could say we prevented the deaths of many in doing what we did, was it worth the price? We opened Pandora’s Box, unleashed a monster that can never be shut away again. Why did we do that? Is the old saying really true? Will our curiosity be our undoing? Will our thirst to understand all, including Death itself, be our final end, our eternal Armageddon?

What will become of this material world twenty years from now?

Eh, enough of that stuff. Let’s talk about how everything begins where it ends instead. You see, the truth is that everything in the material world will rot away at some point, even movies. They may suck now, but they’ll be gone one day, so GET THEM NOW! Yes, even the ones recorded one VHS. What’s that? They have commercials in them? Don’t fast forward. Watch them. Yes, even the Hot Wheels ones. You’ll thank me later, when you and your friend Gary have something to reminisce about as you watch monsters trucks do flips over whole rows of bushes and zebras. What’s that, woman of science? You’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and yet you also think there is none? You’re still wrong, just as you are about aliens, and Florida, and whether or not we’re alone in the universe. Go stand on your bacony and look up at the stars. You’ll see them, and then sweet, crispy balcony justice will be delivered in the form of me spraying you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “Gotchya!” HAH! I can’t wait!

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph at some point, you’re right. What’s that? The last one should’ve ended a while ago? Where the fuck are you from, Reddit? I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. And if Reddit is pissed off at me for killing English, Reddit can go look up “unfunny” in the dictionary and discover for itself why breaking that whole thing into multiple paragraphs would’ve given off far too many heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor.

Man, we are on a ROLL today! Bobby the Tongue would be proud at the way I’m making Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter.  I mean, with this many needlessly complex, ridiculously comprehensive tangential diversions, you must be going out of your mind right about now. What’s that? You’re telling me the title of this post and the content herein are still unrelated? Well, if you’re still expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety at the end of all this, you might as well hop on a Segway and head on over to California. Segues are fun.

So are paragraphs. And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this, WE’RE BROTHERS! That’s right, we aren’t friends. Click links, for they are your only friends.

Your reaction to all of this is priceless. I’m laughing pretty hard while I watch it, the way I did when I saw the Nostalgia Critic’s Wicker Man review. At this point, you’re probably desperate to know why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. Well, in response to that, I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though you and I never met today.

Hey guys. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Honestly, this is all probably really disappointing for you, and, in that regard, a great embarrassment for me, to say the least. Ugh, you’ll all likely obsess over this failure of mine for weeks, they way you did over bowling piranhas. Speaking of which…

…you know what really grinds my gears? When people don’t just get to the fucking—.

*POOF*

TFAGODB

~D.

“Man of Steel” Was Terrigood

2 Aug

It sucked. It was great.

Yeah, it’s late. I didn’t time this with the release of the movie. Why? Because I’m busy, ya hear? I’m working. I talk to you when I feel like it. Some day I’ll do it more often, but for now you’ll just have to be patient. For now, you’ll have to deal with whatever crap I throw out, whenever I throw it out.

Anyway, yeah, Superman, Man of Steel, pretty good movie. It could use some work, a lot actually. But more on that in a bit. First the good stuff. And yes, this is chock full of spoilers, so for those who don’t want any, here’s my review to you: go see it, make up your own damn mind. Sound good? Great. Let’s fly on over to Krypton for the opening scene.

Russel Crowe is a good actor.

THE BEGINNING: The opening of Man of Steel is good, if a bit brief. Krypton is dying, General Zod has launched a coup against the planet’s government, and Jor-El, father of Kal-El, is making a desperate attempt to keep his naturally born son alive. What you have to understand is, on Krypton, natural births aren’t normal. Children are bred for very specific purposes, and so they do not have the mental faculty of choice. Therefore, they are wholly determined to do whatever is necessary in order to further their “programmed” purpose. Kal-El, due to the nature of his origin, can make his own choices. This is what makes him unique. He could be a hero or a villain, a savior or a conquer, a liberator or a tyrant, or a nobody who never becomes an important part of history at all. He has a choice, and, even though we know what he’ll decide to do in the end, it’s still interesting to see how he goes about making that “life choice.”

But more about the opening. Krypton is a beautiful place, and I was surprised by how much time we spent there. Even though it’s dying, it still has this life to it that comes across great visually. The creatures and weaponry, as well as the communication devices, are all really unique in terms of design, a credit to the effects team and Snyder.

As for the actors, I thought Russel Crowe and Ayelet Zurer did a great job as Jor-El and Lara. I don’t this whole thing on Crowe being “bland and monotone.” I mean, he seemed pretty natural to me the entire time. He was just being a normal guy from Krypton, getting angry and smiling when it made sense for such things to occur. I think some critics just want everyone to have too much emotion nowadays, when, in truth, some people just don’t work that way. Some people are actually, you know, normal.

As you would imagine, being a Superman reboot, Kal-El is fired away to Earth, Jor-El dies (killed by Zod here) and the coup is put down. The coup’s participants are imprisoned while the planet burns. Now, I know a lot of people think this doesn’t make sense, but honestly, I have to disagree for a number of reasons. To me, watching your entire planet swallow itself whole is a fate worse than death. To be forced to live in darkness forever while the place you were bred to protect rots away is a terrible thing. So, for me anyway, that wasn’t a problem.

Now, Earth.

The boy who lived.

THE LIFE OF CLARK KENT: Okay, so we cut right to a mature, bearded “Clark Kent,” working on a fishing boat. He sees a burning oil rig in the distance and swims there, busts in and saves a bunch of people. And here’s where my first problem comes in: they all see him doing supernatural things. The reason this is a problem for me is the fact that, later in the movie (earlier in Clark’s life), we see him hold back on using his powers because his father wanted to keep them a secret, because he thought the world wasn’t ready. He was obeying his father’s wishes, being a good son. Now, that’s all fine and dandy, but then why THE HELL is he using them RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN to save a bunch of STRANGERS? IT MAKES NO SENSE, and it completely negates to reasoning behind his previous sacrifice. Why didn’t he just say, “Screw it,” and do the same thing for his father when he had the chance? And why is he having a debate later on in the movie about showing the world his powers? He seemed pretty okay with it not long ago!

So yeah, the rig scene kind of pisses me off. My guess is either Jon Peters stepped in and said, “We need more explosions and superpowers in the beginning,” or story writer Christopher Nolan went all Dark Knight Rises on us and forgot that doing things just because they feel “more dramatic” isn’t always the smartest thing to do. That’s one thing that concerns me about Nolan. I’ve praised him in the past, but I’m starting to get a George Lucas vibe from him, like his ego may be getting to him. We’ll look at his future films and see what happens.

Now, even though I just freaked out about how crappy this section is, the next bit is pretty good. We essentially get a back and forth between present Clark and young Clark, watching him grow older, and watching what his growth has led him to. One of my favorite scenes in the movie has got to be when Jonathan Kent (Kevin Costner) is showing his son what he really is. When he shows the boy the ship, and they have their back and forth about how big everything is and how small everything is and all that boring philosophy and whatnot, it’s really touching. And I know this line’s in the trailer, but I still love it every time I hear Kent say, “You are my son.” Chills, every time.

Next, we get a bit of a weird coincidence. The homeless hitchhiker, Clark Kent, SOMEHOW manages to get a job with the exact team that is looking for frozen Cold War subs in the exact same place the Fortress of Solitude is (I know it’s a little different in this, but I’m still calling it that), that ALSO happens to have Lois Lane working them. Okay, I’m well aware that in real life strange coincidences like this happen, but that’s a LOT of things that we’re just expected to be all like, “Eh, okay,” about. Thank God Richard Schiff is here to save the day. He’s playing a scientist because, you know, he’s fucking Richard Schiff.

Clark discovers the Fortress, and has to save Lois from some robots. He does so, and the Fortress flies away so Ghost Jor-El can get through some exposition. It’s actually pretty cool, learning Krypton’s history and all, and also learning how our villains will come into play. After that Clark basically becomes Superman. Which leads us to our next section…

KNEEEEEEEL!

METROPOLIS: So, Superman come home, and it’s all good, but then Zod’s all like, “Let me tap into every T.V. screen in the world and show you how awesome I am.” And, honestly, this scene gave me chills. The way they left this eerie static hanging for a while before the message actually began was chilling. And the way it began with that simple phrase repeated over and over, “You are not alone,” was haunting. So yeah, Zod’s entrance was pretty cool.

Now, here’s where another problem comes in. In order to gain advance about what to do here Clark decides, instead of talking to Ghost Jor-El, who knows everything about what Zod is capable of and how to beat him, he’s going to go see some random priest we neither know nor care about for advice. This leads to a gigantic battle wherein nearly all of Metropolis, the main city in the Superman series, is destroy and tens of thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands of people, are killed. The entire last half of the movie could have been prevented had Clark gone to Ghost Jor-El. Instead we get more of this Jon Peters nonsense with a forced, awkward romantic scene between Lois and Superman as Zod arrives, and both of them turning themselves in.

So, Lois, through the use of this little metallic key (if you’ve seen the movie, you know what I’m talking about), talks to Ghost Jor-El. And, WOULDN’TCHA KNOW IT, he knows how to beat Zod. So, while Superman escapes (with Lois) and fights Zod, she and the military get a phantom bomb ready to lock all the bad guys away.

The action here LOOKS badass. The effects team did an excellent job making the destruction and death appear realistic on screen. However, it became too much for me after a while, and I started going, “Okay, I got it, buildings collapse when you fly through them. Can we move on?”

Anyway, Zod gets his turn Earth into Krypton machine set up and the phantom bomb is almost ready. Now, to those who think Zod’s an idiot for wanting to turn Earth into Krypton instead of trying to rule it with his newly acquired superpowers (he gets them from being on Earth), you obviously need to take a better look at Zod psychologically. Remember how everyone on Krypton was practically brainwashed into a certain behavioral pattern? Well, Zod was bred to protect and defend Krypton at all costs. After watching it burn, he failed to do so. However, in turning Earth into Krypton, he would be fulfilling that purpose, the very one which was basically drilled into his brain at birth. It’s an insane thought process to us due to our ability to choose. Zod has not choice, and that’s what makes him, to me, such a compelling character. I actually sympathized more for him than I did Superman in this movie. All he wanted to do was save his home, and he  couldn’t do ANYTHING else with his life.

So yeah, I like Zod. And I like his machine. And I like how it’s set up at opposite ends of the world, splitting our leads apart. Yeah, Lois going on the mission with them makes no sense, but that’s Jon Peters again (if not Nolan). “We need tension with Lois! GIVE HER A MILITARY UNIFORM AND LET HER RIDE THE AEROPLANE!” Superman beats the bolts out of this tentacle monster thing (weird) and destroy the first half of the doomsday device, leaving the last bit in Metropolis.

In the city, Richard Schiff saves the day with the phantom bomb and Lois is falling. Kal-El catches her and leaves her on the ground so he can have a final showdown with Zod.

I would like to interject, before I go on, that this chick

Her...

is pretty cool. Okay, moving on.

The showdown with Zod is cool, but the point where he explains his motives, to me, is unnecessary. That’s all stuff I got just from the fact that he was doing what he was doing. It damaged the subtlety of the conflict a little. What made up for it? When Superman killed him.

Yeah, he kills Zod.

I know this is a topic of hot debate, but I’m personally on the side of, “He was forced to do it, but those people could have easily gotten out of the way.” He would’ve eventually had to kill him though, because Zod wasn’t locked away in the phantom bomb’s blast. He wouldn’t have stopped. Something had to be done.

So yeah, I’m for the death of Zod. Bring on the hate mail.

Right, or easy, your choice.

OVERALL: I realize that I’ve been switching between past and present tense throughout this. It’s late. I’m tired. Forgive such minor flaws in the face of my final verdict: Man of Steal was “terrigood.” I liked it. I’d see it again with friends (not alone). There were many problems, big problems even, but that doesn’t stop me from realizing what good there is throughout the film. When that final moment comes in and Jonathan Kent sees his boy donning that red cape, I get chills. So much care was put into that little moment, that little bit. It gives me hope that the next one won’t be so bad.

It’s not perfect, but it’s art, for sure. It may not be a classic, but it’s still a Superman movie worth watching. Go see it. Make your own damn mind up.

By the way, how in the hell is Batman going to even lay a finger on this guy? What, is he going to team up with Lex Luther and use Krypto…

…no way. That’s not a bad…

Him and Him?

~D.

You Never Know How A Post Is Gonna Venereal Diseases

29 Apr

The elves know Madison.

To any of my readers who have venereal diseases: too soon?

The last fictional piece I wrote for the blog that actually had a point and a purpose was rather anti-climactic. So, until I finish a few more shorts, and until I actually finish them, I’ll just be struggling to find something appealing for you guys. How’s about I give you a peak into what’s coming in the future:

STAR WARS: I’ve gotten a ton of requests to do another Star Wars piece. I’ve decided that this blog is just as much yours as it is mine and so I’ll figure something out about writing a “Top 5” or something.

SHORTS: As mentioned previously, I’m working on some short stories. I’ll be able to post them regularly on here soon. They’ll be a lot darker and moodier than my usual material, which is good because, you know, there isn’t enough dark and moody material on the market.

BASKETBALL: I just felt like writing the word; nothing here.

REVIEWS: I’ll be doing movie reviews again! Expect one for Star Trek: Into Darkness. I’m super stoked for that one, you have no idea.

SPOTLIGHTING: I’ll spotlight cool internet related things I find. It’ll give me more to do on here, more to talk with you about other than, you know, me.

I think that’s everything. All right, I’ll be seeing you guys! I’m off to not play TF2 some more (a few of you got that). BYE!

 

~D.

My Thoughts On Journey

14 Jan

Will Wright should've taken a better look at this game.

Indie game developer thatgamecompany (yes, it’s a lowercase t, and yes, it’s all bunched up that way) has been known throughout their short lifespan to develop simple games with deep emotional themes. Their first was the oceanic adventure flOw, where players took control of a tiny organism that evolved through the consumption of others like it. As it did this, it would descend to the darkest depths of the ocean, only to find itself facing seemingly insurmountable obstacles and enemies. The result was, and still is, a fun, beautifully designed piece of art that anyone, be they a hardcore Counter-Strike player, or a scrub who’s just getting into gaming, can enjoy. It appeared first on the PC, and then on PlayStation Network utilizing the PS3’s SIXAXIS controls. This was the beginning of TGC’s relationship with Sony, which would lead to the production of their next game: Flower.

Isn't it pretty? Yeah, dark, but pretty. :)

Flower was TGC’s first attempt at crafting a story along with their game. It begins with you in your dilapidated bedroom. A potted flower is resting on the windowsill (I’m pretty sure that’s where it is. It’s been a while since I’ve played). It hasn’t bloomed yet. As you focus on it, you go to sleep (this is implied, but it’s plainly obvious). When you arrive in your little dream world, you become the petal of the flower you saw in reality, breaking away from the flower and allowing it to bloom. You then proceed to pass over other flowers, using the SIXAXIS controls as in flOw, helping them bloom and gathering a single petal from each along the way.

The night missions are awesome, really.

The journey you go on from this point really shouldn’t be spoiled for those who haven’t played. For those who have, no recap is necessary. You meet adversity, just as you did in flOw, although the dangers you face are very different from the creatures in TGC’s first game, less alive and more stagnant, they still prove to be just as threatening. It’s an art game, it’s true, but it’s not like art films where you look at it and you go, “Yeah, the critics are gonna jerk off all over this one.” You really feel the love and care that was put into the universe of Flower, as well as its subtle, but effective, story. Flower showed the world that TGC could make not just a great game, but tell a great story as well. Now it was time for them to pull out the big guns. And so, here it is, their 2012 masterpiece, Journey.

Guys, this one's a classic, no lie.

Now, this may sound crazy, and I played a lot of games last year that were really good. I haven’t finished The Walking Dead, so I may take it back after the last episode, we’ll see. However, as of right now, I can firmly state that Journey was my favorite game of 2012. Seriously guys, this game totally caught me off guard. I mean, Flower was awesome, really awesome. It was a solid game. But Journey adds a level of aesthetics to gaming that barely any games have ever brought to the table. Heavy Rain did a great job, but Journey is just–it’s friggin’ JOURNEY! The game stars an unnamed protagonist, who seeks to reach the top of a great mountain. They comes across an intriguing set of companions who communicate through song with the game’s hero, aiding them in their quest to reach the peak. As the player progresses through the game, they will uncover the history of the Journey universe, learning what’s so special about this mountain, why it needs to be reached, where the main character’s origins lie, and, above all else, their applicability to the real world.

Awmahgosh, this part was AMAZING!

In just a few short hours (and this game is short, definitely), you’ll have developed not only an intimate relation to your character, but the world around you and its inhabitants. The ending (don’t worry, I’m not saying anything) is–oh, just buy the damn game and stop listening to me. Seriously, if you don’t don’t have a PS3, buy one, then get a PSN account (it’s free, unlike XBOX Live) and, from there, go to the PSN Store and buy and download Journey.

They're like magic carpet people.

I’m not trying to be like IGN, okay. You know what I mean, right? Like how IGN did a Mass Effect 3 review that was absolutely perfect and barely mentioned the #*<&!%@ $#**$#!^ <^%* @$$ $#!^ ending we got that #*<&!%@ sucked? No, I’m being legitimate here: this game is that good. The Walking Dead is a close runner-up, as is Planetside 2.  I’m still not taking anything back until after I finish The Walking Dead. If the last episode destroys my face with awesome, then perhaps I’ll eat my words and have to tell you all, “I was wrong.” Until then, go buy Journey.

Just do it.

~D.

VERSUS: Fight Club vs. Inception

23 Feb

Okay, so if you’ve been a faithful reader, you have probably read my review of Inception. If so, you obviously know how much I enjoyed that movie. What you probably don’t know about (because I haven’t reviewed it here) is my nearly equal love for another movie that, when I first saw it, changed my viewing of myself as an actor, writer, and future film director. This film was Fight Club. In case anybody doesn’t know, Fight Club is actually, though young, considered by many to be a classic (although there are many who would contradict that statement). It came out during a time when being against “political correctness” was far off and went in that exact direction, defying all that Man, at the time, had accepted as “right.”

I don’t want to spend this entire opening talking about the movie I’ll be reviewing in a moment, so let’s get started. Two of my favorite films are about to duke it out. This is: VERSUS.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Okay, so let’s face it, as much as we want to deny it the first impression is the one that counts. People want a movie to have a fantastic opening, so that they can tell all of their friends about it. Isn’t it so cool to be able to do that, to just walk up to a buddy and let those first few minutes of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Star Wars, or Casino Royale roll off your tongue? It gets them pumped to go see it, and gets you pumped to see it again. The opening scenes of a film are crucial for Man to be entertained. So which of these two films has the better opening scene?

All right, let’s start with Fight Club. As great as it is to watch the end of the film at the beginning, if the ending is made awesome by the crescendo leading up to it, don’t do it. If the ending of a film can’t stand alone as chilling or impressive, it shouldn’t be done. Don’t get me wrong, the opening of Fight Club is fine. It justs feels a bit slow and sleepy to me. It’s funny, but not exactly as awesome as the opening of the opponent.

The opening scen of Inception is intense. The music and atmosphere are established right away and feeling of darkness and mystery overcome you immediately when it begins (or at least that’s how it was with me). Even though you don’t know what’s happening, you’re hooked, and when Cobb and Arthur are pulling of a heist in a collapsing dream, it’s pretty cool. Isn’t it ironic that both movies I picked begin at the end? Or is that coincidental? Ah, whatever. Hopefully some grammar Nazi will show up and correct me.

Anyhow, the point goes to Inception this time around. The opening was just more fulfilling.

CAST: Okay, now let’s get down to what actually may be the hardest decision in the whole article: the cast. The reason it will be so hard: these were two amazing casts. I want that clarified before I say anything negative about them. With that said, let’s do Inception first this time.

Holy Christ was the casting director for this film awesome. I always for some reason get ticked when I see Leonardo DiCaprio doing a good job, but whatever. He was pretty awesome in this film, creating a strong main character who, though conflicted, certainly has good intentions. Some people may say that they predicted the choice Cobb (DiCaprio) would make near the film’s end when having a certain meeting I won’t spoil here, but I honestly couldn’t tell what he was going to do. He seemed very split between both possible decisions, and I was real happy about that. The supporting cast was great too, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (playing Arthur) being my favorite of them. He was spot on when playing the paragon member of the “dream team.” (Oh God, did I just say that?) Ellen Page as Ariadne was good, mostly playing a character who was much like the audience: curious and wanting to understand what was happening between Cobb and his subconscious. The rest of the cast was great as well, mixing in enough comedic relief while still remaining serious throughout the picture.

Now, Fight Club’s cast is a bit trickier to judge against the opponent’s. For one thing, it’s smaller. It instantly has a disadvantage now. However, having one of the greatest actors of the past two decades, Edward Norton, kind of helps. Oh, as well as Brad Pitt. Even though he has that whole, “he’s just playing Brad Pitt as a psychopath,” thing going on, he’s still a good actor. So, did the cast do well here? Hell yeah they did! Dude, I don’t like “geeking out” mid-review, but Ed Norton as an insomniac cubical worker is probably one of the most hilarious things in the world. Every line that came out of his mouth either had me cracking up or had me going, “Damn!” It was awesome. Also, I don’t care if it’s just Brad Pitt playing Brad Pitt, his delivery was spot on. Everything he did in this movie as Tyler Durden makes him one of the most memorable characters in cinema. A phenomenal performance behind a phenomenal character. Now, about Helena Bonham Carter. Look, I know she’s supposed to be a psycho (and don’t get me wrong, she did a fine job as well), but there’s one thing that’s off. She started out as the craziest person in the whole movie, and then all of the sudden by the end she’s telling Ed Norton that he’s certifiably insane? What? Maybe I’m being picky, but that really did bug me. However, it didn’t take away from the quality of the cast one bit. And Robert Paulson, we will miss you (inside joke: go see the movie).

The point goes to Fight Club this time around folks. Congratulations!

DIALOGUE: What’s a good movie without lines you can’t repeat to your friends until they want to split your head open like ripe melon? I’ll tell you what it is: Wall-E. Anyhow, now that we have that bad joke out of the way, we may proceed.

Fight Club’s dialogue is some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever heard (as I mentioned earlier). It’s also some of the creepiest. Look, let me just link you to a scene I noted on Facebook and you’ll see what I mean: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=182516301785534. Or how about this scene, also very interesting in terms of its darkness: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=182518058452025. You see? Clever, but definitely dark. The script is crafted in such a way that an idiot can’t like it, which is a good thing. There are plenty of lines that are memorable, such as the all time favorite, “The first rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club.

The script for Inception was good, but I’m not sure it was better. In fact, in my opinion, it wasn’t. It was definitely poetic and has a lot of style and humor to it, but Fight Club’s script is on a whole different echelon. It is practically a thesis, to be honest. Therefore the point goes to the soap maker this round (another inside joke).

DIRECTION: Christopher Nolan has never, as far as I’ve seen, done a bad film. Memento was good, The Dark Knight was good, and his latest masterpiece is a great work of art. The set pieces are stunning, the effects are beautiful, and the way the tale of Cobb is told is fun and exciting all the way through. When the “dream team” (ugh…) finally begins their big mission halfway through the film, you can feel the intensity of the job they’re about to pull off just in the way they look at each other. It’s really fascinating. And of course who could forget that ending. Seriously Chris, that was just priceless. I hope you never tell us what happened, so that it’ll always be awesome.

Fight Club was directed by David Fincher. For those of you who don’t know, he’s the guy who directed The Curious Case of Forest Gu– oh, I’m mean Benjamin Button, oh, and some movie about Facebook or something. It probably sucked. Anyhow, he definitely did a nice job with Fight Club. It was very dark and very tense, but maybe a little too dark. Sometimes I wished, while watching it, that it would lighten up a bit. I like dark films, but this was pushing past Watchmen level at some points.

Because of the above stated, I’m afraid the direction award goes to Inception. Sorry Fincher. Maybe your movie about that girl with the dragon tattoo will be less dreary.

Okay, it looks like we have a tie! Wait, no, that can’t be right. There has to be one more thing, something so important it overshadows everything known to Man concerning life, the universe and everything…

THE STORY: The story of a film is generally pretty basic in nature, and then elaborated on by the presentation of that story. Inception has not only an elaborate presentation, but an elaborate tale as well. The story of the mind being the scene of a crime has so many layers that it’s often hard (for some viewers) to keep track of it. Oftentimes I’ve been told that nobody can get it the first time through, even though I can attest to that statement being completely false, considering I did. I’ll admit I noticed new details after I saw it five more times (don’t judge me), but to be fair it didn’t change dramatically.

Fight Club’s story doesn’t really pick up until the meeting with Tyler Durden, and though a well presented tale you don’t really understand it until very near to its climax. That’s how it was for me, anyway. I love the movie, don’t get me wrong, but there’s just some stuff that comes up in the story that isn’t worth it until the end. And even though it kind of works with this film, for me some things didn’t. I’m trying not to spoil anything so I won’t give my one perfect example of this, but anybody who has seen it probably remember’s the scene in the car when Tyler and Ed’s character have that argument. After seeing the ending, does that scene make any sense? No, it doesn’t. And so the tie is broken. Inception wins the bout!

FINAL TOTAL

FIGHT CLUB: 2               INCEPTION: 3

What a ****up.

Thanks for reading! Be sure to return for more!

My Thoughts on the Battle: Los Angeles Trailer

9 Jan

Yeah, I guess this is a bit weird. I don’t know anybody who reviews trailers, but I do know this, the trailer for Battle: Los Angeles is awesome. I mean, damn was it good. I don’t think I’ve seen a better trailer, ever.

Okay, so it opens up with some slides showing these random alien sightings all across Earth (which I presume after checking out the sight and looking tirelessly at the Wikipedia entry after Wikipedia entry are real pictures). They’re all really cool slides and have a creepy feel. After the slides go a really cool music track begins to play. I can’t even begin to describe this music, it was just so different and fresh and new and it fit this trailer so perfectly, that I can’t help but think I’m going to see like forty internet videos use the same music and pretend they’re original. (Anyone notice the overuse of the Mass Effect 2 trailer music? Same thing.)

Anyhow, the music starts and we get some strange shots of L.A. with no sound, save the music. Then, slowly but surely, the shots change from just being regular L.A. shots to shots of ships dropping into L.A. from the sky. Then we see shots of soldiers arriving as the conflict ensues, all silent mind you (save the music). It’s just such an interesting feel, so quite and peaceful, even though death and destruction is right before your eyes. There’s some fantastic shots of the combat that will be taking place in the movie, even a few moving shots that really got to me (and all the while that music is get louder and louder, and better and better). Suddenly we get shots of the soldiers of the film in what look like alien hive nests (no sound, just music rising more) and on alien ships. And then we get, as the music of the trailer reaches its peak, one of the creepiest trailer shots (for an action film) I think I’ve ever seen, featuring a soldier firing in slow motion at enemies not seen in the camera’s lens, as a blurred metallic creature slowly creeps up behind the human. And then, silence comes, and the trailer ends.

Guys, if you haven’t seen it yet you need to look it up on YouTube, now. I saw in the theater recently, and my eyes were completely transfixed on the screen. It just looked awesome, felt awesome, and was overall awesome. I really hope this movie isn’t a disappointment. I also really hope it isn’t just an Independence Day re-skin. Oh, and of course they had better put that friggin’ music in there: so good.

My Thoughts On The Tourist

28 Dec

Too-long-didn’t-read version: boring, don’t watch it. If you’d like some depth, proceed with reading.

Okay, so you may have noticed that just about every review I’ve ever done is pretty positive. This will officially be my first negative one. I am reviewing:

So, where should I begin? Okay, let’s start with a weak storyline. Angelina Jolie plays the lover of a dude named Alexander Pierce who cheated a gangster and is on the run. The lover is assigned the duty of making Pierce’s trail cold by leading the people hunting him after a dude who looks like him. Ultimately, Jolie’s character and this stranger (who is a tourist played by Johnny Depp) develop a romantic relationship, and then we discover that Jolie is a spy. Wait, what? Okay, so the idea then is that Jolie all along was an agent who was supposed to keep watch over Mr. Pierce, and they fell in love, and now she’s been kicked out of her agency (and maybe I’m hard of hearing or something, but it was never made clear which agency she worked for, just that they were British). So, there’s the story. Interested? Don’t be, it sucks. Trust me when I say there’s only one good moment and I won’t spoil it. I’ll just let you know you’ll have to sit through the entire movie to get to it.

Okay, so next I’ll go over the romance. Let me just start this flop of a film. Some of the stuff that happened was just unbearable. I mean, this was really corny stuff. There were sequences where all I could do was think of the incredible Battle: Los Angeles trailer beforehand to keep my mind off of them. I really just didn’t enjoy them at all. Maybe a bit when Jolie wasn’t talking, but everything else was just bad.

While watching Depp I could tell he was at least trying. He’s never terrible, but this didn’t exactly strengthen my faith in him picking good movies(or his agent, anyway). Alice in Wonderland, and now this? Jesus, I hope the next Pirates of the Caribbean doesn’t suck. I will admit that there were some things the guy did that made me crack up (there’s a rooftop chase scene that was great). His accent was a bit off, seeing as he kept interchanging between American and English (ugh…), but aside from that he was okay.

I’ve decided the if you look two paragraphs up you’ll already be able to deduce my review of Jolie’s performance. Let’s just say (and this may sound wrong, but I only speak the truth) that the only good thing about it was the fact the cinematographer had a thing for her posterior. Ah, yes, that was nice.

The music was at times cool, but at times just terrible and corny. When the two kissed (in a dream mind you) the orchestra boomed in such a way it made you cringe with embarrassment. However, the music and mood did match at some points, and when it did it matched well.

Now, there’s the matter of the ending, which I mentioned earlier was actually good. The last few scenes before the film’s epilogue are quite enjoyable and actually a bit tense. And there’s a neat twist that made me go, “Oh, wow!” That was out loud by the way. So, I might argue that if you’re really feeling it you could stick out through the movie just for the end.

So, overall, The Tourist is rather odd, and boring, and cheesy. It isn’t a great film, and it isn’t even a relatively good film either. However, despite it’s shortcomings, that ending is pretty worthwhile, so I’ll just say it’s an okay movie. But it’s just clinging on the edge of okay, like the forth Indiana Jones movie. It may be worthwhile to people who like cheese, but I don’t. I like chicken, lots of chicken, and you’ll do better going to see a movie like The Social Network (which I haven’t seen but can safely assume is good) or Tron: Legacy (same as before, should be good).