Too-long-didn’t-read version: boring, don’t watch it. If you’d like some depth, proceed with reading.
Okay, so you may have noticed that just about every review I’ve ever done is pretty positive. This will officially be my first negative one. I am reviewing:
So, where should I begin? Okay, let’s start with a weak storyline. Angelina Jolie plays the lover of a dude named Alexander Pierce who cheated a gangster and is on the run. The lover is assigned the duty of making Pierce’s trail cold by leading the people hunting him after a dude who looks like him. Ultimately, Jolie’s character and this stranger (who is a tourist played by Johnny Depp) develop a romantic relationship, and then we discover that Jolie is a spy. Wait, what? Okay, so the idea then is that Jolie all along was an agent who was supposed to keep watch over Mr. Pierce, and they fell in love, and now she’s been kicked out of her agency (and maybe I’m hard of hearing or something, but it was never made clear which agency she worked for, just that they were British). So, there’s the story. Interested? Don’t be, it sucks. Trust me when I say there’s only one good moment and I won’t spoil it. I’ll just let you know you’ll have to sit through the entire movie to get to it.
Okay, so next I’ll go over the romance. Let me just start this flop of a film. Some of the stuff that happened was just unbearable. I mean, this was really corny stuff. There were sequences where all I could do was think of the incredible Battle: Los Angeles trailer beforehand to keep my mind off of them. I really just didn’t enjoy them at all. Maybe a bit when Jolie wasn’t talking, but everything else was just bad.
While watching Depp I could tell he was at least trying. He’s never terrible, but this didn’t exactly strengthen my faith in him picking good movies(or his agent, anyway). Alice in Wonderland, and now this? Jesus, I hope the next Pirates of the Caribbean doesn’t suck. I will admit that there were some things the guy did that made me crack up (there’s a rooftop chase scene that was great). His accent was a bit off, seeing as he kept interchanging between American and English (ugh…), but aside from that he was okay.
I’ve decided the if you look two paragraphs up you’ll already be able to deduce my review of Jolie’s performance. Let’s just say (and this may sound wrong, but I only speak the truth) that the only good thing about it was the fact the cinematographer had a thing for her posterior. Ah, yes, that was nice.
The music was at times cool, but at times just terrible and corny. When the two kissed (in a dream mind you) the orchestra boomed in such a way it made you cringe with embarrassment. However, the music and mood did match at some points, and when it did it matched well.
Now, there’s the matter of the ending, which I mentioned earlier was actually good. The last few scenes before the film’s epilogue are quite enjoyable and actually a bit tense. And there’s a neat twist that made me go, “Oh, wow!” That was out loud by the way. So, I might argue that if you’re really feeling it you could stick out through the movie just for the end.
So, overall, The Tourist is rather odd, and boring, and cheesy. It isn’t a great film, and it isn’t even a relatively good film either. However, despite it’s shortcomings, that ending is pretty worthwhile, so I’ll just say it’s an okay movie. But it’s just clinging on the edge of okay, like the forth Indiana Jones movie. It may be worthwhile to people who like cheese, but I don’t. I like chicken, lots of chicken, and you’ll do better going to see a movie like The Social Network (which I haven’t seen but can safely assume is good) or Tron: Legacy (same as before, should be good).
Dylan Alexander 