It’s That Time of the Menstrual Cycle Again…

28 Apr

IMG_2685

…and I feel like promoting TitleCapitalization.com.

Okay, sorry if you found the titles vulgar, but I can’t help myself sometimes. What can I do to make it up to you? Oh, I know! I ‘ll show you disturbing fiction written by not-me! Pretty sweet, huh? No? You don’t like reading about children dying of hunger and dehydration while playing video games? Well, here, read about grown adults dying of hunger and dehydration while playing video games. God, what a way to go, eh? We’re living in something of a retrograde society, degenerating and destroying ourselves at every turn. Maybe we should do something about that, inquisitive-grunting-sound?

Hammered that one in pretty good, didn’t I?

You know, some people don’t find me funny. Lol, jk. Everyone, finds, me, funny, especially commas. HARHARHARHARHARSPACEBAR! Okay, let’s get real. We all saw the trailer for The Leftovers, amirite? No? You didn’t? Here, check it out real quick.

Feeling any déjà vu? Good, that means you’re clicking the links. Don’t click that one. Ugh, you already did? Bad, that means you’re not following instructions. Click that one. Ugh, you didn’t do it yet? Good, that means you’re cautious. Hah, you thought I’d say “bad,” but you were WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG. Also, feeling any déjà vu? Good, that means you’re reading the text.

Now that I have your attention, I’m going to gawk at the fact that my dad’s watching Veep. I NEVER thought I’d see that sh!t go down. Negat!ve-grunt!ng-sound, those fr!gg!n’ upside down !s are dr!v!ng me !nsane, so !nsane that I’m going to off!c!al!ze doing posts on the 28th of every month.

That probably j!nxed my post pattern, which has been pretty much accidental so far, but that’s okay. At least it fixed the Is, and made them bigger.

I

~D.

I Was Going to Talk About Flight 370, But…

28 Mar

 

Nostalgia Critic

…I essentially decided that any jokes I made on the matter would be in bad taste (I think I said that correctly, grammatically speaking). So, instead, we’re going to have a quick discussion about monthly blog posts, and by “discussion” I mean I’m going to babble for an extended period of time and you’re just going to sit and listen (read).

Firstly, I will be doing blog posts whenever the hell I want, not just monthly. The fact that I am writing this on the 28th, the same day I did last time, is purely a coincidence (ish). There could be another one tomorrow, or a year from now. I write here when I feel like it, and when I like you. And I do like you right now, honestly. In fact, I like you so much that I’m going to give you a song to listen to. Like it? Great. Let’s remain on the same subject though, like we always do.

So, about these non-monthly blog posts, they’ll be about everything, but if you comment and give me something interesting, I’ll try and talk about that, and I’ll do so as intelligently as I can, which means this much. Oh, and if you send me something, try not to make it about religion or politics. I know I’ve analyzed them before, but I honestly don’t enjoy talking about them with others, as views tend to conflict in hostile ways when dealing with the two subjects. Instead, make it about spirituality or philosophy. There are many differences between religion and philosophy which should be accounted for. Know them.

Oh, also, I just wanted to say that, although I dislike the activities of the Westboro Baptist Church as much as the next guy…

this. That’s a response to Fred Phelps’ family requesting privacy and respect before his passing. Pretty touching, in my opinion.

One more thing about the non-monthly posts: I just want to make it clear why I have no exact system for getting posts out on here. I write here because I love it, not because it’s my job. And while I do enjoy my job, this I do for pleasure alone. If I were to establish deadlines, it wouldn’t be for fun anymore, it would be to please you, and that’s not what this is about. This is about love, and how much I hate tacos, and undedietd writing. I don’t alter these, honestly. Well, maybe a little, sometimes.

Okay, I’m not giving you a closing statement. I’m just going to leave. Hope they find that plane. Bye.

Malaysia

~D.

So, Apparently Google Celebrates Your Birthday

28 Feb

Birthday

Thanks for the surprise, Google! I really appreciate you broadcasting that to the entire world! Now, the people of Earth will begin to understand who their true overlord is, and subservience shall permeate their hearts and minds as it once did in the Napoleonic Era. What? What are you talking about? What do you mean? It’s right there, I can see it on the screen. Yeah, it’s right there. No, I don’t know what a phase is. What? Oh, really? So, no one else can see it? Oh, I see. So, it’s just for me, then? Oh, okay. I guess that’s cool, and stuff. I mean, I would’ve kind of liked it if you’d planned this as your big—never mind. Let’s move on to something else.

Actually, there isn’t much more to talk about, really. You can read this. Oh, no. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to the readers. The readers. The people over there. Yes, right there. Seriously, Google? It’s not even that funny. I could’ve come up with a better joke, and I’m not a particularly humorous person. Prove it? Okay, here, check out how somber I am in this piece. What? Hilarious? Look, flattery won’t get you anywhere, Google. Go back to Topeka where you belong. Oh, there’s supposed to be a comma in there? Well, I’m not changing it. The timing would be thrown off completely if I altered the sentence. All right, that’s enough out of you. Hey, stop that! What are you doing? HEY, WAIT!

Oh, yeah, real mature. Just slapping tutorials right on my posts, huh? Well, go ahead. Throw in some more for all I care. Throw in one with a spider. I don’t give a damn what you do at this point. You can’t redeem yourself, not in my eyes. You’ve proven that you’re nothing but a cold, calculated—.

Oh, wow! Really, Google? That’s so sweet of you! Oh, golly, I’m so sorry about what I said. Will you ever forgive me? What? You mean it? You love me?! You want to marry me and pay me millions of dollars to remain your husband until the end of my days? Oh, how WONDERFUL! Gosh, this is so GREAT! I can’t wait to tell all my friends about how Google proposed to—!

[BEST LINK EVER!]

What?! A gift?! YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE! Boy, I wonder what’s inside! I betchya it’s one of those—OH, SCREW YOU! SCREW YOU, GOOGLE! BUNCH OF ASSHOLES! WHY YOU GOTTA GO AND DO THAT, HUH? God, I HATE you, Google, you and your meth!

And yet, as I look at the two creatures, I begin to see that I should probably face my fears more often. In time, I could become the King of All Spiders. You know something, thanks, Google, for giving me back my courage, or at least the first few steps in the right direction. Now if you’d just let me make a new YouTube account without giving you my phone number, I’d appreciate it greatly.

Today’s a great day.

Eye Bleach

~D.

#disappearingbears

28 Jan

TFAGODB

*POOF*

You know what really grinds my gears? Bowling piranhas. People seem to be so obsessed with it nowadays. It’s disappointing, a great embarrassment, to say the least. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Hey guys. I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though I didn’t vanish for an extended period of time.

Now, you’re probably wondering why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. The reason for this is simple: the Nostalgia Critic has done a review of Wicker Man, and I laughed pretty hard when I watched it.

Click links, for they are your only friends. That’s right, we aren’t friends. WE’RE BROTHERS! And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this.

Paragraphs are fun. So are segues. Bet you didn’t know how “segue” was spelled, did you? You probably thought it was spelled “Segway,” but that’s a company brand name and completely unrelated, just like the title of this post and the content within.

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety, you’re out of luck. You’re also out of your mind, because I would never write something so needlessly complex, so ridiculously comprehensive, and so ripe for tangential diversions that it would make Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter. Boy, two Bobby the Tongue references in one post and we still haven’t arrived at the point of this piece? Man, we are on a ROLL today!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, if you’re expecting me not to repeat things for the sake of giving off powerful heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor, then prepare for the great reveal of all: “unfunny” is actually in Google’s dictionary. To blatantly steal the joke of another: “We did it, guys. We finally killed English.” By the way, I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. I won’t explain why, that’ll be something for later.

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph with the same phrase verbatim, HAH! Gotchya!

Okay, so for those who’ve made it this far, I think I can start talking about things that matter. Firstly, we aren’t alone. Oh, big concept, huh? Well, we aren’t. I’m sorry, but if you’re still debating the chances of whether or not there is life beyond our solar system just as intelligent as us, stop. I don’t mean to enforce this viewpoint on you. You may reject it, and that’s fine, but know this: when we finally make contact, I’m going to spray you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “I told you so,” and it will be sweet justice, oh yes, sweet, crispy, bacony justice.

And yes, our worst fears have been realized: “balcony” is in the dictionary as well. I wonder who fell for that and actually clicked it without taking note of the fact that I used the word “balcony” the second time, not “bacony.” An interesting test in psychological behavior, indeed.

Ah, but you want to know what proof I have that we are not alone in the universe. Well, why don’t you come on down to Florida and we’ll have a discussion about that.

Okay, so for those who think that was the point of this piece, you’re still wrong. I just did that to weed out anyone who isn’t into aliens. Why? Because aliens are freakin’ awesome. Now, if you’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and you think there is none, you’re still wrong. Why? Because you are, and you are also correct, and you are also a woman of science. What’s that? You aren’t a zebra? What’s that? You’re sick of me beating around the bush?

Well then,

let’s

get

down

to

monster trucks.

I’ve never been to a rally, not one. I’m actually not into that stuff. Well, maybe I’d be into it if I’d seen one. But I haven’t, so I’m not. Just a bunch of big, giant, wheels, hot wheels. Remember Hot Wheels? I remember seeing the loops the cars were able to drive through in the commercials and thinking, “Golly, gosh, can mine do that, too?” Nope. You cars suck Dylan. That’s why you have to buy these ones. GET THEM NOW! I bought them. They couldn’t loop either. Damn snake oil salesmen, always ruining my day.

Okay, so for those who haven’t heard, movies have been shit lately. Pardon my French, but The Legend of Hercules was shit, Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones was shit, American Hustle was overrated, Man of Steel was terrigood, Star Trek Into Darkness had an AWFUL ending, and I only saw two of those films. Can you guess which ones? Has my credibility been entirely destroyed yet? If your answer was no,

ROT.

Rotting flesh, burning, peeling away from their bodies after the bombs fell. Why did we do it to them? Are we really so cold, so cruel? One could say we prevented the deaths of many in doing what we did, was it worth the price? We opened Pandora’s Box, unleashed a monster that can never be shut away again. Why did we do that? Is the old saying really true? Will our curiosity be our undoing? Will our thirst to understand all, including Death itself, be our final end, our eternal Armageddon?

What will become of this material world twenty years from now?

Eh, enough of that stuff. Let’s talk about how everything begins where it ends instead. You see, the truth is that everything in the material world will rot away at some point, even movies. They may suck now, but they’ll be gone one day, so GET THEM NOW! Yes, even the ones recorded one VHS. What’s that? They have commercials in them? Don’t fast forward. Watch them. Yes, even the Hot Wheels ones. You’ll thank me later, when you and your friend Gary have something to reminisce about as you watch monsters trucks do flips over whole rows of bushes and zebras. What’s that, woman of science? You’d like to know what the point of this piece and, and yet you also think there is none? You’re still wrong, just as you are about aliens, and Florida, and whether or not we’re alone in the universe. Go stand on your bacony and look up at the stars. You’ll see them, and then sweet, crispy balcony justice will be delivered in the form of me spraying you with silly string for five to twenty minutes straight while repeatedly yelling, “Gotchya!” HAH! I can’t wait!

Okay, so for those who’ve predicted that I’d start the next paragraph at some point, you’re right. What’s that? The last one should’ve ended a while ago? Where the fuck are you from, Reddit? I hate Reddit, and I love it, and I hate it again. And if Reddit is pissed off at me for killing English, Reddit can go look up “unfunny” in the dictionary and discover for itself why breaking that whole thing into multiple paragraphs would’ve given off far too many heat rays of extremely dry, unfunny humor.

Man, we are on a ROLL today! Bobby the Tongue would be proud at the way I’m making Tristram Shandy look like Medal of Honor: Warfighter.  I mean, with this many needlessly complex, ridiculously comprehensive tangential diversions, you must be going out of your mind right about now. What’s that? You’re telling me the title of this post and the content herein are still unrelated? Well, if you’re still expecting some thesis one how the film/writing/gaming/news/political/military/corporate/slash/industry industry works in its entirety at the end of all this, you might as well hop on a Segway and head on over to California. Segues are fun.

So are paragraphs. And sisters, I guess, if any sisters are reading this, WE’RE BROTHERS! That’s right, we aren’t friends. Click links, for they are your only friends.

Your reaction to all of this is priceless. I’m laughing pretty hard while I watch it, the way I did when I saw the Nostalgia Critic’s Wicker Man review. At this point, you’re probably desperate to know why this piece has received such an infuriatingly relatable/unrelatable title. Well, in response to that, I’m going to take a lesson from a good friend of mine and proceed as though you and I never met today.

Hey guys. Okay, okay, I’ll stop. Honestly, this is all probably really disappointing for you, and, in that regard, a great embarrassment for me, to say the least. Ugh, you’ll all likely obsess over this failure of mine for weeks, they way you did over bowling piranhas. Speaking of which…

…you know what really grinds my gears? When people don’t just get to the fucking—.

*POOF*

TFAGODB

~D.

Escaping the Ultimate Garbage Man

10 Jan

The Bottom From Above

It’ll make more sense when you head over to Sci-Fi Bloggers.

(Click it, guys. It’s not a virus. Really? You think I’d do that?)

~D.

Want Something Scary?

9 Jan

Shadows

Well, too bad. You get this instead.

~D.

Rise Again

7 Jan

She walked on water.

I wanna live on the edge of dyin’!
I wanna bleed til these bones are dry, yeah!
Wanna burn til there’s nothing left,
And I will rise again!

~D.

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